By Agustina Piran
As a teenage girl, my body is constantly being criticized. Whether it be by me, my mother, my friends, or anyone in the outside world. This, unfortunately, is the case for many girls. These judgements can really affect the way someone views themselves. It can also affect how someone treats themselves.
I hardly had any issues with the way that I looked until I entered high school. I have always been thin, but it wasn’t something I often thought about as I never heeded much attention to how I looked. However, as I got older, I began to notice, or more accurately, criticize my body. I would always overhear girls in the bathroom complaining about their bodies or comparing themselves to others. These comments would mostly consist of people saying that they were too fat and not skinny enough. My friends even began comparing themselves to me, saying they wished they had my body. I loved when they did that. Who wouldn’t? Most girls don’t have the opportunity to live up to the ideal beauty standard. But I did. And I relished every second of it.
But this wasn’t healthy. I was severely underweight when I got to high school. I only hit 100 pounds at the end of 9th grade. As I got older, I started to gain weight. But the weight I gained was normal. I was going through puberty and starting to look less like a little kid.
As I started to gain weight, I began looking at myself in a negative light. I constantly felt that I wasn’t enough. I especially felt that I wasn’t skinny enough. Nonetheless, my fast metabolism allowed me to always stay around the same weight, so I still stayed relatively thin.
In February of my junior year, I went on a five day trip with a youth program. I was busy for most of the trip so I ate very little. Almost immediately after I returned, I got very sick. I didn’t eat again for a week. After I recovered, I was back to my freshman year weight. And it was obvious. My clothes were all of a sudden too big for me. My friends noticed that I had lost weight and constantly complimented me on it. I felt amazing.
I wanted to stay that weight forever so I decided I would eat less. I didn’t care if I was hungry, as long as it meant that I was skinny. I basically stopped eating at school, and would eat significantly less at home. I usually eat a lot, so it was pretty obvious to those around me that I was purposefully not eating. Some called me out on it, but I brushed them off. I told them that they were being dramatic and that I was fine.
Shortly after this, COVID-19 hit. I was home all day, not exercising, and eating a lot more than I ever had. Of course, my weight began to increase. Aside from this, I was spending more time on social media than normal. I was non-stop scrolling through Instagram and seeing models who were stick thin. I began to freak out because I no longer looked like them.
All of these years, I had thought that being skinny was my defining characteristic. If all else failed, at least I was thin. It was all that mattered to me. When I began to gain weight, I felt like a part of me had been lost. It sounds ridiculous now, because there is so much more to me than how much I weigh.
I was fortunate enough to stop my toxic eating patterns before they got too bad. I never had a full blown eating disorder, but I was on the path to one. However, eating disorders are a serious issue that have a damaging stigma surrounding them. In today’s day and age, they are extremely common, especially with social media being such a large part of the modern world. They are not something to take lightly. That being said, if you or someone you know is suffering from an eating disorder, it’s important to reach out to someone. It can be a therapist or guidance counselor, but it can also be a friend or a trusted adult.
Remember that you are never alone.
If you ever feel as though you need support for an eating disorder or just need to talk, call
1 (800) 931-2237 or (310) 855-4673